Telling yourself that “you have to go to work” creates an entirely different biochemical reaction in the body and mind than “I can’t wait to go to work.” I realize that for most of us that may sound extreme, but what about just “I am going to work.” That states an undeniable fact that has less emotion to it than either of the prior statements.

These emotions often become aroused when we are asked to make a choice about something that either we really don’t want or have a prior commitment that interferes with the choice. Has someone ever asked you to an event and your response was “I can’t because I have to…” Double whammy! You are telling yourself (and the other person) that you have no control over your life. Worse yet, is knowing that you will not be going to or doing whatever it is you’re asked, you respond with an “I’ll try.” Ouch! Now you have just been dishonest. The person you told knows this. You know they know this and it eats at you until the event passes or you’re confronted with the choice again.

Here is the premise. You feel good about yourself to the degree to which you feel you have control over your time, activities and circumstances. I think the vast majority of the misery is related to the I-have-to-go-to-work syndrome. When in fact no one has to go to work. Just about everyone chooses to go to work because, to go back to Ellis, they prefer to have an income, and some other both tangible and intangible benefits that go along with working.

And this is true of every area of your life! The sooner you realize this, the sooner everything else will be fall into place, and you’ll begin making better choices for yourself. Some of you get this already, I know, but I’ll say it anyway. Everything you do is a choice you make, and yes that includes paying taxes. In your mind you may quickly evaluate the consequences of given alternatives and make a decision, but if you’re doing things you really don’t want to be doing, then it’s because you’re not driven from inside. Stop doing things to please other people, realize what you value is important, and make your choices based on that.

Here are some other words to be aware of and to reduce or eliminate:

• Must, I have to, I need to -  removes choice
• Should – suggests a choice based on someone else’s values or values of your own that you do not fully embrace
• Always, Never – creates an impossible story
• Try – trying is not doing. It’s deceitful. You can do something or not do something and you will always get a result. “I tried to call you.” does not accurately describe a possible course of past action. You may have called and there was no answer, but you  did call.
• Can’t – telling yourself you’re not able to do something is usually not true in most cases. Watch your use of this word and see if the truth is that you don’t have the skills, haven’t devoted the time, or have made an alternate choice.
• Wish – A wish is a desire for something you subconsciously believe cannot happen.
• Maybe – Be definitive. This is similar to I’ll try. If someone asks you to do something for which you really cannot decide, state the reasons and commit to get back with a definitely answer by a certain date. If you’re asked to lunch by a friend, instead of “Maybe, I’ll see,” respond with “I’ll check my calendar and get back to you on Monday with a definite answer.”
• I’ll be honest with you – this is used often, but it always raises the question in conversation. Have you not been honest up until now? Why are you only honest with me selectively?

These episodes were not serious and I doubt any of my friends even noticed. If anyone has experienced something similar, I’d love to see what you have to say.

The beliefs Ellis is talking about are those upon which we model our internal and external world. They are either rigid or flexible, and it’s the rigid beliefs that typically cause unhealthy reactions and feelings. And further more that the motivation behind those beliefs will impact how one reacts and feels.

There are three core areas of concern where our beliefs impact us the most.

1. I must achieve outstandingly well in one or more important respects or I am an inadequate person
2. Other people must treat me fairly and well or they are bad people
3. Conditions must be favorable or else my life is rotten and I can’t stand it

One of the first steps of REBT is to dispute those beliefs and soften them from demands  to preferences. By doing so, you can experience healthier emotions, the Cs in the ABC model, when an adversity interferes with one of your goals. This is accomplished by recognizing the demands you place on yourself and then disputing them. So if you believe that must achieve outstandingly well, you challenge that belief. Is that true? What would happen if you didn’t? What is the worst that would happen if you didn’t? Then recognize that while it is preferable to perform well, it isn’t necessary.

The next step is what he calls Unconditional Self Acceptance, or USA. Here you recognize that you are not your behavior. To make yourself a bad person, it would mean that every single aspect of who you are, and have been, has been 100% bad since the beginning of your existence. Ridiculous when you think about it, isn’t it? Yet for many of us in our upbringing, we were admonished as “bad boy” or “bad girl” when we did something that didn’t please our parents. Once you recognize this in yourself, you then begin to practice Unconditional Other Acceptance, as you learn that just as you cannot not possible to be a “bad person”, nor can anyone else. Judgement begins to melt away and you become more peaceful, your blood pressure goes down, and your overall health improves.

People who are optimistic tend to view bad events as temporary, specific and external. They tend to view good events as lasting, general and personal. Pessimists do just the opposite. They view bad events as permanent, global and personal and they view good events as temporary, specific and impersonal. When the ultimate pessimist and the ultimate optimist get together, the pessimist sees the optimist as an irresponsible jerk. What is the optimist’s view of the pessimist? He may not have any view at all because he is not influenced by the negativity of outside sources. If he does form an opinion, he’ll likely see the pessimist as an unmotivated loser.

This is important because extreme pessimism is an indicator for depression. Being aware of, and if necessary changing your explanatory style is an important factor in mental health. Of course it can go too far, and it is pessimism is sometimes necessary. If Captain Sullenberger thought he could get his airplane back to the airport instead of plunging it into the Hudson, the outcome would have been quite different.

Your explanatory style is something you have been practicing for years, and one the consequences of this is that over time you believe what you’re saying! This is the principal behind affirmations but with added horsepower. The things you tell yourself you also tell others, so there is constant reinforcement and an illusion of evidence to support what you’re saying. Notice I said illusion of evidence because in order to believe some of the things we say, we distort reality. It’s a matter of whether we distort it in our favor or not.

So if you’re telling yourself that “bad things always happen to you” then to believe that you must delete a whole lot of evidence to the contrary. Now this belief becomes more deeply rooted and your behavior as a result will create more bad events thereby creating more evidence. The only way out is to dispute these irrational thoughts and come up with evidence to support the opposite.

(You can use your new explanatory style to redefine your past. If you tend to ruminate on some past event or events, it’s likely that you’re telling yourself that it was your fault and that because of that, everything that cascaded from that event could have been prevented, “if only…” Hogwash! If those thoughts return, visit them with an inquisitive mind. Challenge their validity and find evidence to support the view that it was not your fault, that it was indeed the fault of something outside of you. Then look at it as an isolated event. It may appear that because of X, Y happened, but probably isn’t something you can prove – so why bother?)