The language you use with yourself and others strongly influences your beliefs and your beliefs influence your language. Which comes first depends on what you are conscious of.

Telling yourself that “you have to go to work” creates an entirely different biochemical reaction in the body and mind than “I can’t wait to go to work.” I realize that for most of us that may sound extreme, but what about just “I am going to work.” That states an undeniable fact that has less emotion to it than either of the prior statements.

These emotions often become aroused when we are asked to make a choice about something that either we really don’t want or have a prior commitment that interferes with the choice. Has someone ever asked you to an event and your response was “I can’t because I have to…” Double whammy! You are telling yourself (and the other person) that you have no control over your life. Worse yet, is knowing that you will not be going to or doing whatever it is you’re asked, you respond with an “I’ll try.” Ouch! Now you have just been dishonest. The person you told knows this. You know they know this and it eats at you until the event passes or you’re confronted with the choice again.

Here is the premise. You feel good about yourself to the degree to which you feel you have control over your time, activities and circumstances. I think the vast majority of the misery is related to the I-have-to-go-to-work syndrome. When in fact no one has to go to work. Just about everyone chooses to go to work because, to go back to Ellis, they prefer to have an income, and some other both tangible and intangible benefits that go along with working.

And this is true of every area of your life! The sooner you realize this, the sooner everything else will be fall into place, and you’ll begin making better choices for yourself. Some of you get this already, I know, but I’ll say it anyway. Everything you do is a choice you make, and yes that includes paying taxes. In your mind you may quickly evaluate the consequences of given alternatives and make a decision, but if you’re doing things you really don’t want to be doing, then it’s because you’re not driven from inside. Stop doing things to please other people, realize what you value is important, and make your choices based on that.

Here are some other words to be aware of and to reduce or eliminate:

• Must, I have to, I need to -  removes choice
• Should – suggests a choice based on someone else’s values or values of your own that you do not fully embrace
• Always, Never – creates an impossible story
• Try – trying is not doing. It’s deceitful. You can do something or not do something and you will always get a result. “I tried to call you.” does not accurately describe a possible course of past action. You may have called and there was no answer, but you  did call.
• Can’t – telling yourself you’re not able to do something is usually not true in most cases. Watch your use of this word and see if the truth is that you don’t have the skills, haven’t devoted the time, or have made an alternate choice.
• Wish – A wish is a desire for something you subconsciously believe cannot happen.
• Maybe – Be definitive. This is similar to I’ll try. If someone asks you to do something for which you really cannot decide, state the reasons and commit to get back with a definitely answer by a certain date. If you’re asked to lunch by a friend, instead of “Maybe, I’ll see,” respond with “I’ll check my calendar and get back to you on Monday with a definite answer.”
• I’ll be honest with you – this is used often, but it always raises the question in conversation. Have you not been honest up until now? Why are you only honest with me selectively?